I'm currently in the process of breaking the heart of a very tender-hearted 2 1/2 year old boy. His eyes express more than words can say and it is obvious that I'm breaking his heart. Which in return, is breaking mine. It's wrong to have to break the heart of a 2 1/2 year old boy.
When I arrived to the orphanage, I found this boy in a sad state. He was the house bully, but more than that he was unhappy. I soon made it my goal for the time I had with him to figure out why he was acting that way, and try to help him. I observed him everyday, and found that it was due to two things:
#1 He is very intelligent. Where the other kids can read one book several times before they are bored of it, he can only read it once. Therefore, he's bored a lot and when he becomes bored he begins to cause trouble. #2 He just needs someone to love him and realize his intelligence, and his need of more activities to keep him busy.
So I began my quest to accomplish this, I kept watching him carefully and whenever he finished one activity, I would find him a new one that he was interested in. This continued, and he quickly became my favorite baby. I fell in love with him. Week by week his behavior became better, he was not lashing out at the other children anymore, he would now share with the other children, he would do things you asked him too, etc... These were the best weeks at the orphanage. When I would pick him up from daycare, his eyes would light up, he would scream my name, and come running out and jump into my arms. It made my heart melt everytime. Occasionally, I would get 15 minutes with him all alone in the playroom before bedtime and we would play. He likes to roughhouse quite a bit, but so do I so it works out perfectly. He would giggle and giggle nonstop while we played. This also melted my heart.
But the time soon came when I left for a week and a half on vacation. You wouldn't think a 2 1/2 year old would know the difference of me being gone or not, but I soon learned that he definitely did. I returned only to find the exact same little boy as when I first arrived to Chile. He was acting up all the time, fighting, wouldn't do anything you asked him too, and just plain difficult. But in all honesty, what can you expect. People are coming and going in his life all the time. He had finally found someone that he clicked with, that payed attention to him, loved him, and that he could count on seeing every single day. He found security in me, and had confidence that I would be there everyday. In these children's lives, this is a rare find. But then, that person just disappeared off the end of the planet for a week and a half without a word of explanation. That security and confidence he had in me, was lost, just like that.
Since I've been back from vacation, I will occasionally see that light in his eyes flicker that I saw everyday previously. But it never lasts long, you can see him fight it because that trust is gone. Which honestly is probably for the better, because I really am going to disappear off the face of the planet, as far as he is concerned, here in a few days. I'll become one more person that has come and gone in his life.
Today, when I picked him up from daycare, there was not even the slightest bit of excitement in his little body. It broke my heart, but I guess that is what I deserve. When I had all three of the oldest children in the car, I explained to them that I was sorry I hadn't come to work the day before because I was sick, and that I was very sorry. My Panchito wouldn't even look into my eyes, and when I asked him if he understood I was sorry, he wouldn't respond. I finally got a mumbled, very sad, 'Si', as he looked at the ground almost in tears. This too, broke my heart. As I've said before, his eyes are very expressive and today they expressed much pain. I've never seen such sadness in eyes before. I'm breaking his heart. As I choked back the tears, which are now flowing, we all drove home in silence.
It's very wrong to have to break a 2 1/2 year olds heart. I've never experienced anything like it before, and don't want to ever again.
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